I have been thinking/dreaming/contemplating about our last year here in Spokane and our eventual move back to Kodiak. I want to write but the words do not come. Sometimes, before we can move forward, it is good to take a look back. During my spring cleaning/purging of my closets, I came across some writings. I want to share this one. I wrote this sometime in the summer of 2006, I think. I shared it during a church service at Community Baptist Church that the Mission was leading.

Wife, Mother, Teacher, Sunday school teacher, Christian, house parent, friend, American Baptist, nice, sweet, shy, quiet, thoughtful, and depending on who you to talk to, crazy.  Those would be words that describe me, how most people see me.  As I thought about our theme this week, I thought I would take a risk and share my heart.  And to share my heart, I do need to to share part of my journey these last few years.  I often say that being married is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Then, I would say being married and having kids, and three of them at that, has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Then, it was living in community with nine to eleven young adults, while being married and having three kids.  But truly, following Christ has been the hardest thing I have ever done. And, I have to say, with all of those things….being married, having three kids, being house parents to amazing day camp counselors, following Christ…the joy far outweighs the hardness.  Since we are not perfect and do not come from perfect families, all of us have different insecurities.  In our marriage, I will be honest and say Evan carried me emotionally for many years.  I depended so much more on him for my emotional well-being than I did on Christ.  So two years ago when Evan felt led to apply to medical school, it was time.  Time for me to grow up really.  There were a lot of things that next year that were really hard but they started me towards letting Christ be the lover of my soul.  Last year, I read Victory over the Darkness by Neil T. Anderson.  This book set some foundational truths in my life that have changed my heart forever.  I know who I am in Christ.  I stopped believing what the world said about me and truly believed and felt what Christ is.  One of the things I do when I run is to stop at my favorite spot with a great view of the ocean, Woody Island, and the mountains.  I clear my mind of everything and just listen to Him.  He is always faithful to speak to me and I am always humbled by the message.  I would like to share with you what I wrote about my run on Thursday.  

Victory

    It is all about victory.  Victory in not valuing outward appearance, Victory in seeing the vision my father-in-law had for the day camp being worked out everyday by amazing Christians, victory in planting seeds for Christ in these young hearts, and VICTORY in them-having my son-accept Christ in day camp.  Victory in working daily in situations that are hard.  Victory in failing to do the right thing but trying again.  Victory in truly letting Christ be the Lover of my Soul.  

     Romans 4:20 is my favorite verse.  It says, "And he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith, gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he promised."  I know who I am in Christ and it is so much more than I was ever on my own.  There is a wildness in me that comes out when I am with just the right group of women…on top of a mountain or glacier, or in wanting my motorcycle.  But there is a wildness in my love for Christ that compels me on each day with amazing joy and amazing hardness at the same time.  And yet I love it.  How crazy is that?  And how great is our God?  I have shared with you today, my heart.  Don't be afraid to share your heart with Christ and let him be the lover of your soul.