Daring to Come Home

Kodiak greeted us with her normal fanfare...rain, wind and 55 degrees.  It was a day to celebrate however.  We had not only arrived in Kodiak, our home and beloved island,  it was also Evan's last day as second year medical resident. When we return to Spokane, WA in July, he will start his third year and we will have less than a year left of our journey to becoming a doctor.  Our Journey to becoming a doctor.  That is the title of the journal entry I wrote 11 years ago.  Our journey to being a doctor. When Evan first told me he felt called to medical school and asked me to pray about it, the boys were one and three years old.  Evan started taking classes at the Kodiak College, he volunteered with a doctor on Saturdays, we added the cutest girl ever to our brood, we applied, didn't get in,  applied again the next year, and then we were off!!  What a journey it has been!  

   One of my favorite places to walk in Kodiak is the cliffside trail at Ft. Abercrombie State Park.  My favorite time to walk there is when it is stormy..rainy, windy, and the ocean is fiercely pounding against the cliffs.  As I was hiking this trail in those same conditions soon after arriving here this summer, I began thinking of the medical journey that has taken the last 11 years of our lives.  This trail was baptized with my tears as I struggled with my marriage, friendships, and just the pain that comes from living in a broken world. It has echoed with the sound of laughter as I walked with my closest friends and family.  It has been a sacred sanctuary as I have prayed alone and with others, pouring  hearts out before the Creator of All.   It has felt nothing but the tread from my shoes as sometimes there are no words.

       When we were first married, I was very dependent on Evan for my emotional happiness.  Poor guy! He never knew what was going to make me happy or upset.  I am not sure I really knew either.  When we made the decision to go to med school, he told me he couldn't carry emotionally anymore.  He was basically telling me I needed to grow up.  Proverbs 15 says, "An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips."  Sometimes it is like a slap in the face.  But it was the truth, no matter how much it hurt.  I learn the most from reading so I hit the books.  A pivotal book for me was "Victory Over the Darkness" by Neil T. Anderson.  It helped so much in stopping the negative tape I had running in my head and helped me to see myself as God sees me, a saint who sometimes sins instead of as a forgiven sinner.  Other books I read were The Five Love Languages, The Sacred Romance, and Wild at Heart.   

      It is so hard to sum up our time medical school experience in just a few sentences….but  I homeschooled for two years, Evan was put on the bad list at UW resulting in a six year stint in med school instead of four, we RVed as much as we could, we found a great church and many wonderful friends, and took advantage of living in a big city for a short time.  We moved to Spokane, WA two years ago for family medicine residency.  We were quick to realize how much God took care of the details our lives here. Family Med Spokane is a great residency for Evan, I found my House of Dreams, the kids are in great schools, and we found an amazing church to jump right into.  For me, I would describe that first year as contentment.  This last year I read two of my now all time favorite books, Calling Me Home by Julie Kibler and Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.  I loved Calling Me Home because it was so well written and told an amazing story about a not so amazing time in our American history.  It was one of those books that would just capture me with a sentence or a paragraph and I would just have to stop reading to soak it in.  It is about an unlikely friendship between two women, about looking back,  moving forward,and finding that place called home.   Daring Greatly was a paradigm shift type of book for me.  Brene Brown is a shame researcher and shares her research about vulnerability.  In our culture of "not enough", having the courage to be vulnerable, even if it is risky and feels dangerous, bring worthiness and purpose back into our lives. This book helped me realize how much I used shame in my parenting and put me on a path to be a better wife and parent.  

       

I spent five weeks in Kodiak this summer.  It was both amazing and hard.  Almost every day was sunny and warm, which for Kodiak is rare, and we had many great adventures out in the glorious sun that just makes our Emerald Island sparkle.  We went camping, we hiked islands and mountains, splashed around the islands in the skiff, took many walks with the dog, canoed, went flying with Uncle Harry, went to camp, and just enjoyed the good company of friends and family.  It was hard for me in that I stepped onto this Island a different woman.  A woman who can walk in worthiness of who she is, a woman who knows her calling and tries to live it out each day.  A confident, strong woman.  But something happened as I was enjoying our time in Kodiak.  Living in community again and living close to family again brought out all those insecurities that used to plague me in Kodiak.  I was afraid I was becoming the woman I used to be.  She wasn't bad….just second guessed myself all the time, worried a lot more, and tried to please everyone.  I was busy with a lot of good things but I wasn't taking time for myself, for prayer, for the Word.  A close friend said I needed to make new tracks, that being mindful of my old tracks will be helpful in the laying down of new ones.  When I walked the Cliffside trail the last time before I left, it was a beautiful, sunny, glorious day.  The sun dappled through the trees, making shadows jump about, the calm ocean sparkled like a thousand jewels, and a warm breeze caressed my face. I walked the same trail, carried with me the memories of what was before but with each step brought a newness that wasn't there before, a hope of what was to come.  We have a year before we will back in Kodiak for good.  A year to enjoy our friends and church here in Spokane, a year to pray about the details of our life post residency.  A year to love on the people of Spokane.  A year to daringly get ready to Come Home.  

I have been thinking/dreaming/contemplating about our last year here in Spokane and our eventual move back to Kodiak. I want to write but the words do not come. Sometimes, before we can move forward, it is good to take a look back. During my spring cleaning/purging of my closets, I came across some writings. I want to share this one. I wrote this sometime in the summer of 2006, I think. I shared it during a church service at Community Baptist Church that the Mission was leading.

Wife, Mother, Teacher, Sunday school teacher, Christian, house parent, friend, American Baptist, nice, sweet, shy, quiet, thoughtful, and depending on who you to talk to, crazy.  Those would be words that describe me, how most people see me.  As I thought about our theme this week, I thought I would take a risk and share my heart.  And to share my heart, I do need to to share part of my journey these last few years.  I often say that being married is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Then, I would say being married and having kids, and three of them at that, has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Then, it was living in community with nine to eleven young adults, while being married and having three kids.  But truly, following Christ has been the hardest thing I have ever done. And, I have to say, with all of those things….being married, having three kids, being house parents to amazing day camp counselors, following Christ…the joy far outweighs the hardness.  Since we are not perfect and do not come from perfect families, all of us have different insecurities.  In our marriage, I will be honest and say Evan carried me emotionally for many years.  I depended so much more on him for my emotional well-being than I did on Christ.  So two years ago when Evan felt led to apply to medical school, it was time.  Time for me to grow up really.  There were a lot of things that next year that were really hard but they started me towards letting Christ be the lover of my soul.  Last year, I read Victory over the Darkness by Neil T. Anderson.  This book set some foundational truths in my life that have changed my heart forever.  I know who I am in Christ.  I stopped believing what the world said about me and truly believed and felt what Christ is.  One of the things I do when I run is to stop at my favorite spot with a great view of the ocean, Woody Island, and the mountains.  I clear my mind of everything and just listen to Him.  He is always faithful to speak to me and I am always humbled by the message.  I would like to share with you what I wrote about my run on Thursday.  

Victory

    It is all about victory.  Victory in not valuing outward appearance, Victory in seeing the vision my father-in-law had for the day camp being worked out everyday by amazing Christians, victory in planting seeds for Christ in these young hearts, and VICTORY in them-having my son-accept Christ in day camp.  Victory in working daily in situations that are hard.  Victory in failing to do the right thing but trying again.  Victory in truly letting Christ be the Lover of my Soul.  

     Romans 4:20 is my favorite verse.  It says, "And he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith, gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he promised."  I know who I am in Christ and it is so much more than I was ever on my own.  There is a wildness in me that comes out when I am with just the right group of women…on top of a mountain or glacier, or in wanting my motorcycle.  But there is a wildness in my love for Christ that compels me on each day with amazing joy and amazing hardness at the same time.  And yet I love it.  How crazy is that?  And how great is our God?  I have shared with you today, my heart.  Don't be afraid to share your heart with Christ and let him be the lover of your soul.  

Addicted

Words. Words. Words. I LOVE words.  I love the 80s song Jessie's Girl by Rick Springfield because he uses the word moot.  I don't know that I have ever successfully used the word moot in a sentence.  I love the book The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster for all of its fun wordplay and bringing alive so many figures of speech.  One of my all time favorite books is Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut Junior.  His words had me laughing out loud and yet stunned me at times with their poignancy that I just had to stop and soak them in.   This love affair with words also expends more of my energy as I overanalyze everything -conversations, emails, comments, body language.  I did not talk to very many guys through most of high school because I  thought there was always this ideal of  "the right words to say"  and I never had them.  Since verbal affirmation is my primary love language, words can not only bring raise me on the wings of joy and anticipation, they can also cut deeply into my heart. A verbal affirmation person gives and receives love and encouragement through the spoken word. My husband Evan  often says I married the wrong guy because giving compliments and encouragement is very hard for him to do.  Early in our marriage this was definitely a source of tension as we both struggled to know how to communicate love to each other.  Eighteen years of marriage comes with a deepness and commitment that often are not expressed through words anymore.  The five words that prompted this writing were said to me by Evan. It was Sunday morning and we were at church. I wish I could say I loved going to church.  I do love my church.  But going to church/Sunday mornings are completely different than being a part of a church community.  Going to church means getting everyone up, dressed, fed, and out the door on time.   This is something we do five days a week, usually with little problems. I don't know what happens on Sundays but ever since the kids were little, going to church usually means I am frazzled and in no mood for worship, let alone being around anyone.  This particular Sunday was no exception and I was not too happy because we were late. I HATE being late.  It was after the service and the kids were already in their Sunday school rooms. I had gone downstairs to use the bathroom and Evan was waiting for me to go to our class. I saw him through the crowd and he raised his eyebrows and smiled just a bit like he always does when he sees me.  As he approached me, he said, "I am addicted to you."  As we walked to our classroom, I FELT those words from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. 

Communitas

The smell of garlic wafted throughout the house, The marinara sauce bubbled on the stove, the spagetti rolled vigorously in the water, all signs that dinner was ready.  The sounds of laughter, conversations, and small boys making airplane noises all converged around the kitchen table. An eclectic group of people assembled around the large table, all living together and volunteering at the Kodiak Baptist Mission.   As dishes  were being passed and plates filled, a comment was made.  Eyebrows were raised and another comment was shot back.  Angry looks and tempers flared as the heated conversation continued between the two friends. Finally,  in an impulsive moment, one member of the community  threw spagetti across the table towards the other and stormed out of the kitchen and upstairs to her room.  We laugh at this treasured memory now but at the time it gave us all an opportunity to be about the business of living together, working out our differences, and forgiving.   Growth

The sound of the waves pounding the shore, the smell of tropical flowers and the salty sea, the sand between my toes, the rain on my skin, the rocky mountains meeting the sea….Every one of my senses  was awakened and I felt ALIVE!  I was sitting on the beach in Hawaii on January 1st, 2010. I listened. I prayed. I felt. I read.   I met with God in a very real way. I lifted my eyes towards the mountains and I felt His spirit flow over me. Verses from the Bible were emblazoned on my heart, my scripture for the year, given me to pray over all year long.   I allowed him to speak to my heart, to direct my path for the coming year.  And He did.    Being Known

 The tears filled my eyes as Rachel hugged me tighter.  There were no words to say.  I had miscarried and my heart was broken.  She held me, prayed for me, and her presence consoled me as I grieved.  Comfort

My hand hovered over the baby food jar.  At the signal, five women quickly opened the jars, and started spooning carrots,  peas, sweet potatoes into their mouths.  I grabbed my jar, put it to my mouth and chugged it back like a pro.  My team had won!   Survivor Mommy at our MOPS group in Seattle is a favorite of all. Even though my team did not win the overall Mommy Survivor, we all gave it our best shot. I treasure the time I spent at  MOPS, Mothers of Preschoolers.  It is a wonderful time to share, laugh, cry, be challenged, and encourage each other as moms and to answer the calling God has placed upon us as moms.   Fellowship

I was one of those moms. I put my boys through an etiquette class to teach them some manners.   Maybe it was because they were too young. Maybe it is because they are boys, but since  those lessons did not sink in, we spend time at our meals teaching manners to my barbarians.  It's a long process.    In addition to that, each night we have dinner together as a family, we try to share our highs and lows of the day.  And, even though Joshua, my 13 year old son, always says his low is that I make him share a high and a low, we work on staying  connected as a family.  Edification

The gate creaked open. The greeting party immediately checked out the newcomer with wagging tails and sniffing, lots of sniffing.  Once the formalities are over, Amber, my German shepherd mix puppy, joins in playing, wrestling, and  chasing all the dogs at the Highbridge Dog Park.  She loves it there. After a few visits, I was familiar with the rules, both written and unwritten, and tried to be a responsible dog owner.    I just had to laugh at this community I was now a part of.  Sometimes we  stand in groups talking about dogs, laugh at their antics, or discuss what needs to be done around the park . I know  many dogs by name and only the humans  as "Hugo's owner" but it is a great opportunity to love on the people of Spokane.  Outreach

Alaska.  The name just exudes adventure. I was eighteen and headed to do a summer mission at a residential camp  on a small island off of Kodiak Island.  Little did I know then that I would be swept off my feet by my Alaskan Prince Charming.  He was the first guy I felt I could completely be myself around and it didn't take long to fall in love.  When I first met Evan, I didn't think it was possible to love someone more than I loved him.  After 18 years of marriage, three kids, and definitely our share of bumps along the journey, I know it is possible to have a love that is deeper, passionate, and constant.  Intimacy

The evening service at our church is called Communitas.  Communitas is a latin word that means community with a purpose.  The examples of communities I've described continue to live with me, setting a foundation stone by stone, deepening each relationship I have.  Each aspect of community provides a purpose and builds me towards wholeness. I am made complete each time I decide to enter into Communitas with those people God has called into my life.   I am being built into the person God has called me to be.   The stones of growth, being known, comfort, fellowship, edification, outreach, and intimacy are just some of the building blocks.  There are many more for me to discover as I continue to seek out and find Communitas.  

Mine and God's house

It is a familiar enough scene. She searches for the last piece to complete her totally awesome Lego creation. Creativity flows, excitement builds. Her masterpiece is almost finished! But, where is that piece? That one piece that will make her creation perfect? Lego pieces are scattered across the room. Different methods of searching are used. First, a slow, thoughtful process-sorting a small section at a time. Then, as frustration sets in, wild, arm sweeping takes over in the search for that elusive yet perfect Lego piece. Finally, when the realization comes that the piece is not to be found, she quickly looks to find one that will work. Ah, finally! The Lego brand knock off will work quite nicely after all. She puts it in place. It doesn't quite go down all the way. She twists, she pushes just a little. She KNOWS she can make this work. It just has to go down a little bit more. As she gives it one more little twist, it happens. The entire, amazing, Lego creation smashes into an unrecognizable puddle. Tears, frustration, and comforting from her mother are the only things she knows for the next few minutes. My friend Russ would say, "And, yet, somehow, life, goes on." :)

This part of our journey, moving to Spokane, has been ripe with emotions and ups and downs. After some initial disappointment, I was excited to know that this was where God wanted us, to know, to rest in the knowledge it truly is God's best for us. Then, as I looked at and loved our moments here, our wonderful friends and church, the kids' school., so many fun opportunities, a bit of a depression sank into my heart. I did not want to go, but yet, somehow, life does, go on, and where God calls, I will follow. I set to the task of looking at houses for us to rent. I wanted some acreage, a place we could have a dog,and some water. It was slow at first. I emailed a few places. Looked carefully at the schools. Then, as a way to procrastinate and not pack, it became a bit more frantic. I would email Evan in Alaska at least five or so different links every day for him to look. It finally came to the point where I was trying to make anything work. This definitely could of ended like the Lego disaster. Me in tears and quiet frustration. Ok, probably loud frustration;) But at that moment of settling for second best, I prayed. I REMEMBERED God's amazing provision for us in the past. I knew he had the best plan for us, I just had to seek it. The next link I clicked on in Craigslist was my dream house. I knew it then. It had two acres, two creeks, a small waterfall, great views, allow dogs, AND built in bookcases!!!!! I have always wanted built in bookcases!!! As soon as we pulled up the lot, I knew I wanted it even more. We only looked at a few other houses. And now it is mine:) I am so thankful!!! Evan had actually looked at it while ago but it was 300 hundred dollars more and they did not allow pets so it was immediately excluded from our possibilities. God is so good!!!!!

At the same time I was excited about this house, we were also doing alot of driving around Spokane. Not only is the housing/job market depressed there, so are its people. It weighed heavily on me. As much as Seattle is passive aggressive, it is a fairly upbeat place. Spokane is.....just depressed. It scared me. The people kinda scared. It was stealing my joy. My verse for this year is Psalm 84. Verse 5 says "Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have sets their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass thru the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs." A few years ago was my "year of no fear". I jumped off the Woody dock, made a fool of my self many times and did not care, many things did not bother me like they used to. These fears of Spokane go deeper. I know I have to rely only on God's strength. I felt like God was saying to me, your house is your oasis, a place of springs to gather your strength, to keep your children tight and focused on God, and yet love on the people of Spokane. This is mine and God's house of dreams in Spokane.

Seattle Here we stay

As usual, it has been quite a few months since I last updated but really all we have been doing school, school, and more school. We have had many small breaks and fun times with our friends but nothing too exciting. We do our normal visits to Pike Place Market when we have visitors, The Seattle Aquarium, zoo, and the science center. Our biggest change in our life came at the end of March came when we got Evan's clinical rotation schedule. We were planning on going to Montana for his third and fourth years. I was looking forward to a new adventure, renting a house with lots of land and a creek running through it. I also wanted a house with a room for my mother in law to have extended visits with us. When we found out the Missoula, MT was only for third year and we would have to move back for fourth, we were weren't so excited about it. Well, they (the administration of UW) changed Evan's schedule and made the decision for us to stay in Seattle. I can see now it truly was the best decision for us and I am so glad I have another couple years with my close friends and church here in Seattle. I really will need the support once Evan is gone more on his clinical rotations. We have felt very blessed with our quirky little house and as Evan looks at other places to rent we realize that this is a good deal for Seattle in that it has a yard, is really close to a park and beach, and right on the bus line. We were not even looking at other houses when about a month ago, a wonderful house just fell into our laps. It truly is a gift and blessing from God. It is a spacious, four bedroom house with a big play room downstairs, a room downstairs for guests, with a shower and small kitchen. And, the best part for me, it is wooded and has a creek running thru the backyard in the middle of Seattle!!! And, it is only fifty dollars more than what we are paying now!!! So, needless to say, we are now in the process of moving ten streets over!!! Thank you, Jesus! Soon after we make the move, the kids and I will be traveling to Kodiak for the summer. Evan will be studying for the Step 1 USMLE which he will take on July 12. He will come up after that. We plan on leaving Kodiak in September and then traveling down to CA for a wedding. Legoland, Disneyland, and the San Diego Wildlife Park are all in our future. Evan's schedule has us in Seattle for the rest of the school year except for a six weeks in Feb/March when we go to Fairbanks for surgery. I will also be visiting Ohio in November with the kids. Our plans are constantly changing but we are all doing very well. The boys are obsessed with Legos and Star Wars, and since there are many Lego Star War systems, they are very happy. I will post some pictures from Gareth's Star Wars birthday party. Julianna is still very much a rough and tumble girly girl. She is doing very well in her ballet class, she loves to sing, play with Barbies and babies, and is always challenging me with finding enough school work for her to do. She is the only one in the house that loves school. Evan is finally done with classes for which he is very glad. He had his white coat ceremony last Friday, which is the transition ceremony for the clinical wards. I am pretty tired of school myself. I love and hate homeschooling at the same time. I find that I have to guard my time diligently because when I get involved in other things, like lately trying to pack and get the house ready, and try to teach, I am just not a fun mom to be around. I need to have an adventure in the RV!! It is definitely time to get that thing rolling again! Well, that has been our lives for the last few months. I hope you enjoy the pictures!

We found snow!!!

We have been hankering after some snow for quite awhile now and since we had a Sunday afternoon with no plans we headed out to find some. A forty-five minute drive later we were surrounded. We only spent just over an hour out there, but it was so much fun. The only thing we wanted to do was to have a snow ball fight!!! It was great! Although, I do have to admit I do NOT like to get pelted in the jaw from a snowball from Evan. Our next goal is to go snowshoeing!