Kodiak greeted us with her normal fanfare...rain, wind and 55 degrees. It was a day to celebrate however. We had not only arrived in Kodiak, our home and beloved island, it was also Evan's last day as second year medical resident. When we return to Spokane, WA in July, he will start his third year and we will have less than a year left of our journey to becoming a doctor. Our Journey to becoming a doctor. That is the title of the journal entry I wrote 11 years ago. Our journey to being a doctor. When Evan first told me he felt called to medical school and asked me to pray about it, the boys were one and three years old. Evan started taking classes at the Kodiak College, he volunteered with a doctor on Saturdays, we added the cutest girl ever to our brood, we applied, didn't get in, applied again the next year, and then we were off!! What a journey it has been!
One of my favorite places to walk in Kodiak is the cliffside trail at Ft. Abercrombie State Park. My favorite time to walk there is when it is stormy..rainy, windy, and the ocean is fiercely pounding against the cliffs. As I was hiking this trail in those same conditions soon after arriving here this summer, I began thinking of the medical journey that has taken the last 11 years of our lives. This trail was baptized with my tears as I struggled with my marriage, friendships, and just the pain that comes from living in a broken world. It has echoed with the sound of laughter as I walked with my closest friends and family. It has been a sacred sanctuary as I have prayed alone and with others, pouring hearts out before the Creator of All. It has felt nothing but the tread from my shoes as sometimes there are no words.
When we were first married, I was very dependent on Evan for my emotional happiness. Poor guy! He never knew what was going to make me happy or upset. I am not sure I really knew either. When we made the decision to go to med school, he told me he couldn't carry emotionally anymore. He was basically telling me I needed to grow up. Proverbs 15 says, "An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips." Sometimes it is like a slap in the face. But it was the truth, no matter how much it hurt. I learn the most from reading so I hit the books. A pivotal book for me was "Victory Over the Darkness" by Neil T. Anderson. It helped so much in stopping the negative tape I had running in my head and helped me to see myself as God sees me, a saint who sometimes sins instead of as a forgiven sinner. Other books I read were The Five Love Languages, The Sacred Romance, and Wild at Heart.
It is so hard to sum up our time medical school experience in just a few sentences….but I homeschooled for two years, Evan was put on the bad list at UW resulting in a six year stint in med school instead of four, we RVed as much as we could, we found a great church and many wonderful friends, and took advantage of living in a big city for a short time. We moved to Spokane, WA two years ago for family medicine residency. We were quick to realize how much God took care of the details our lives here. Family Med Spokane is a great residency for Evan, I found my House of Dreams, the kids are in great schools, and we found an amazing church to jump right into. For me, I would describe that first year as contentment. This last year I read two of my now all time favorite books, Calling Me Home by Julie Kibler and Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. I loved Calling Me Home because it was so well written and told an amazing story about a not so amazing time in our American history. It was one of those books that would just capture me with a sentence or a paragraph and I would just have to stop reading to soak it in. It is about an unlikely friendship between two women, about looking back, moving forward,and finding that place called home. Daring Greatly was a paradigm shift type of book for me. Brene Brown is a shame researcher and shares her research about vulnerability. In our culture of "not enough", having the courage to be vulnerable, even if it is risky and feels dangerous, bring worthiness and purpose back into our lives. This book helped me realize how much I used shame in my parenting and put me on a path to be a better wife and parent.
I spent five weeks in Kodiak this summer. It was both amazing and hard. Almost every day was sunny and warm, which for Kodiak is rare, and we had many great adventures out in the glorious sun that just makes our Emerald Island sparkle. We went camping, we hiked islands and mountains, splashed around the islands in the skiff, took many walks with the dog, canoed, went flying with Uncle Harry, went to camp, and just enjoyed the good company of friends and family. It was hard for me in that I stepped onto this Island a different woman. A woman who can walk in worthiness of who she is, a woman who knows her calling and tries to live it out each day. A confident, strong woman. But something happened as I was enjoying our time in Kodiak. Living in community again and living close to family again brought out all those insecurities that used to plague me in Kodiak. I was afraid I was becoming the woman I used to be. She wasn't bad….just second guessed myself all the time, worried a lot more, and tried to please everyone. I was busy with a lot of good things but I wasn't taking time for myself, for prayer, for the Word. A close friend said I needed to make new tracks, that being mindful of my old tracks will be helpful in the laying down of new ones. When I walked the Cliffside trail the last time before I left, it was a beautiful, sunny, glorious day. The sun dappled through the trees, making shadows jump about, the calm ocean sparkled like a thousand jewels, and a warm breeze caressed my face. I walked the same trail, carried with me the memories of what was before but with each step brought a newness that wasn't there before, a hope of what was to come. We have a year before we will back in Kodiak for good. A year to enjoy our friends and church here in Spokane, a year to pray about the details of our life post residency. A year to love on the people of Spokane. A year to daringly get ready to Come Home. 
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